Well, yesterday sucked.
In the days leading up to this Full Moon Partial Eclipse I asked myself “How bad will it be? What is looming that might surface?” I couldn't come up with a single thing.
All I can say is, I am a silly girl for believing it will be business as usual.
The Full Moon Partial Lunar Eclipse was brutal and I know it’s not over. Yesterday morning the IRS told us that not only were our 2015 taxes never actually filed but we owed thousands of dollars. Which means our mortgage refinancing goes on hold. On top of that we could potentially owe more for penalties and fees. "Are you fucking kidding me?”, was my only response. What could possibly be done? My brain turned to mush and I did the only thing I could think to do: Wallow... wallow, wallow, wallow.
So I mourned over my misfortune for a bit until one of my best friends (who happens to be a successful Medium) called me. “Are you crying?” she asked me. In my heart I was crying - did that count? “You’re wallowing”, she said, “stop it, that’s the Eclipse energy. Go create something.” The agonizing was easier than getting up from the chair I had sunk into. “Well, the boys said they would brush my hair. Maybe I can wallow until 2:00?” She gave me permission to sit in my sadness for an additional 30 minutes. I accepted her proposed compromise. After we hung up, I laid in my bed while my boys pet my hair - my favorite moment of the day. I picked up my phone at 1:59 and laughed as I watched it turn 2:00. I got up. “Forward motion it is”, I thought to myself.
I started moving things out of my room - a dozen half-read books, mementos from years past that I didn't need cluttering my sleeping space, piles of laundry went into the washing machine and I scrubbed the shit out of my semi-white (but supposed to be white) carpet until it no longer looked like a dirty hound slept on it. I stripped my bed, washed my sheets, and put it back together. I plugged in a selenite lamp to clear my room and a rose quartz & Himalayan salt lamp for love. I gutted that space. Before I knew it, my man-wife had come home, made dinner, and put our kids to bed (score!). It occurred to me as I was brushing my teeth - it’s the Full Moon… I hadn’t done a ritual. I could have said my piece and released the things that no longer serve me in my head - but there is something sacred about going outside and talking to the moon that allows me to feel the energy. I can still feel that energy coursing through my body as I write this. I grabbed the first piece of paper I could find and started writing from the edge of my bed. I usually do ritual work in my studio but I had a feeling the air of determination I had built up in my bedroom was also the space I was supposed to write in. Instead of closing my eyes and meditating on what I wanted to release I just wrote. I filled an entire page, my mind buzzing with more information than I could get down on paper. I took a deep breath and I felt complete from my written revelations. When it comes to rituals tradition is important but altering your ritual to do what feels right is equally as meaningful. If your intuition is telling you to veer off your usual recipe it's best to listen.
I grabbed a candle, walked out to the yard, and I asked Spirit for the courage to truly release my agenda. Though I could only see her through the leaves of a large tree, I knew the Moon could hear me. I read my list out loud before lighting fire to my paper under the luminous full moon. I put the almost-burned paper on the sidewalk and watch it consume 99% of the page before the embers went out. Oh, no no, that paper was going to be gone before I walked back inside. So I lit the tiny leftover piece (maybe showing my commitment to following through...) and thanked the Moon and Spirit for the lessons.
Perhaps you might be thinking “those are just coincidences”
while you laugh at me. Just know, I’m laughing
right back at you for not believing in magic.
It’s ok, we can still be friends.
I went to bed with a book and slept more soundly than I had in months. When I woke up, I called my loan officer to get the proper proof I needed to avoid any penalties and get back on track. I also finished some design work so I can get a paycheck. I cancelled an expensive appointment at my salon (it's just hair) and said no to a hotel I had planned to reserve with a girlfriend for my trip back to Boston (I love sleeping on couches anyway). I was out of contacts and tried to reorder them several times before realizing the Universe was trying to stop my transaction. Instead, I saved $60 by ordering through a new website (thanks, Boo!) I decidedly stopped ignoring my financial issues and responsibilities and worked through the pain of being in it, halting the threat of stagnation. There will be many more cuts coming. It’s a choice. I’m choosing to make difficult decisions and reassess how this family operates financially.
Perhaps you might be thinking “those are just coincidences” while you laugh at me. Just know, I’m laughing right back at you for not believing in magic. It’s ok, we can still be friends.
So much of our lives are trying to push through uneasy feelings
instead of honoring the purpose they’re for. I don't have to live in pain but
I can acknowledge it. I can give it a moment to breathe and see what happens.
I have faith that I will come out of this a stronger individual.
Later that afternoon as I was unloading groceries into my pantry I realized it was near-silent in my house, my children consumed with building train tracks. I had a few moments of silence to pull a card and see what life had in mind. I walked into my studio and reached for my usual Tarot deck when my attention was pulled to a different deck that I have used maybe a handful of times in the past few years. The Miracles Now deck by Gabby Bernstein. I cleared the deck and before I started to shuffle I heard “Pull the top card. It’s been waiting for you.” I pulled the top card which said “I can think my way out of fear”, and slid it back into the deck deciding it wasn’t for me. Self doubt is an incredible thing. Why wasn't my intuition enough? Why am I such a fucking brat sometimes? Isn't that what I had done the previous morning? I shuffled my deck and heard “seven times”. So I counted as I mixed cards and as I went to put the cluster of cards on top of my sixth shuffle I felt the need to stop. Both cards needed to be seen. I pulled the top card off of each pile. The first card read “I can think my way out of fear.” The very card I had pulled the first time and disregarded. This happens to me all the time. I will ignore a card and it will come back to me two or three times during a session. This is the Universe having my back and gently reminding me to trust myself the first time around. The second card read “I can release ancient pain simply by feeling it.” So that is my message to you. Stand up and face what you're afraid of. When those painful feelings arise, as they so often can, feel the pain and honor it. The pain will pass and you'll be giving yourself the opportunity to change your relationship with it. It’s also what I’m going to force myself to do for the month of August. So much of our lives are trying to push through uneasy feelings instead of honoring the purpose they’re for. I don't have to live in pain but I can acknowledge it. I can give it a moment to breathe and see what happens. I have faith that I will come out of this a stronger individual.
So if you run into me this month and see my post ER visit hair (if you have younglings you’ll know that this updo is particularly heinous) with money saving - albeit massive - 2 inch roots - don't judge. Step back and recognize that I’m taking a fucking stand. I’m choosing to release my old thinking pattern of being a financial hostage. This is my hustle, baby.